mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
