like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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