Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
