nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm passing your future prison.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
