The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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