his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
