mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
