OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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