please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
