We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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