My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
