Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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