so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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