I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I came so hard my ears popped.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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