He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
