if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
