I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
