just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
