You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
