How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
