I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
