These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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