Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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