Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
tell me about the eggs
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