I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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