Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
