My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
