"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
