So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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