I just threw up on my dentist
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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