did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
