Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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