I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
