The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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