I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
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YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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