I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
