Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
