Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
