It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
