i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
