next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
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Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
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He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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