And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
