At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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