I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
love makes seman taste better
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
