I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I didn't notice because vodka
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Randomize
