I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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