I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
