Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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