If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
