and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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