I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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