I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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