I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
