i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
