I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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